About Robert Bigelow, CRRA

For The Love of Recovery
Personal:

Being an adventurer and traveler has put me in contact with many different types of people, cultivating the ability to connect with almost everyone at the level they are capable of. One of my life’s passions has been the inner journey of self-discovery and sharing my findings with others in a way that helps them discover their Authentic-Self.

Having had a near-death-like experience at the age of eleven, set in motion my quest to learn how to re-live such a wonderful experience, if at all possible.  I discovered it is and to date have had seven more.

Beginning with martial arts in 1972 and meditation 1974, I started connecting the dots of mind and body, now all I needed was spirit. In 1978, motivated by the emotional pain of emptiness, I discovered that when my genuine heart’s desire rose up through the pinnacle of my hierarchy of desires, I would have another near-death-like experience. This was my first profound spiritual experience as the result of consciously seeking to return to divine love. Seven additional times (as of 2023) this occurred and in between, the layers of emotional pains and false perceptions would emerge into my consciousness as energy systems that blocked my view of my Authentic-Self and my very life-force. One by one, they dissolved as I brought unconditional love up from my soul into the pain body.

For decades I’ve guided people into removing their own layers through personal self-discovery. Why? Because I enjoy it and it is always a two way street.

Substance Recovery Related:

As a former hippie in my youth, I experienced intense alcohol and drug use escalating to detoxing from heroin after high school graduation, all by myself. So this is how my adult journey began, just in case anyone might think that I have not overcome immense hurdles in my life. If I can, anyone can.

The Suffering in Me, Honors the Suffering in You.

After learning about healing emotional pain in 1977, my life became wonderful with periods of 5-7 years devoid of mind altering substances, each concluding with my ignorant lifting of a bottle of beer. One beer was all it took to awaken the sleeping giant even after years of not wanting it.

In 2000 my substance recovery began when I learned that my brain was hard-wired for hops. Having remained sober since then, I’ve sponsored, mentored and coached people in recovery programs. I’ve managed sober living homes, interacted with treatment facilities, therapist and psychiatrists as a recovery advocate. But the gift I bring to this game is helping them heal the emotional pain that triggers relapse and then to find something they love so they won’t want to return to what they love.

Even though I have an extensive knowlege and experiential base of substance recovery, my work is not exclusive to it. I help heal emotional pain, regardless of the cause.

Professional references upon request.

 

 

 

My First Experience Healing Emotional Pain

The Mountain Man – 1977

“There’s a shadow in you.” said Herschal, igniting his hand-carved bone pipe and stroking his Gandalf like beard.

“A what?” Straightening my back, moving forward on the log, planting my hand-made moccasins in the red earth. My memory was awakened by his penetrating eyes.

“You know!” as if I was knowingly hiding something. Stirring the fire with his wide-brimmed hat glancing toward Obruini seemed to purposely shift my gaze onto her glowing face.

“Discover for yourself.” her calming voice guiding me to be still.

Closing my eyes, my memory jumped back to the day we met a year ago in a diner outside Santa Fe. There they were… Sitting side by side, with eyes, clear as crystals, watching me enter the diner. My focus zoomed in on them like an eagle. Their smiles, drawing me in like a moth to the flame.

“Join us.” they said together exuberantly, gesturing me to sit.

Herschal, a seasoned mountain man from head to toe, became my first spiritual mentor. A minister and student of many religions thirteen years prior, he left everything in search of… the way he put it, a genuine experience of the Tao. After 6 months living under a palm tree on a beach in Costa Rica, his search led him to La Cañyon in the high desert outside Santa Fe and eventually… Obruni, the female version of himself. The small community of people spread out through La Cañyon, acting more like family, bartered with each other, often sharing dinners and enjoying campfire gatherings. There was much laughter.

Six stepping stones, spanning the Santa Fe river, put me on a trail to the base of a 1,000 foot mountain overshadowing their small octagon shape adobe style hogan, hand sculpted from the earth with a wood stove in the middle. Outside, a fire pit surrounded by natural earthen seating. An old wood fired oven that baked incredible bread, resting for the past 100 years against the adobe brick building used to dry fruits and spices that became my home. It was this adventurer’s dream come true.

Obruni was natural beauty and radiated compassion. Long sandy blonde hair flowed from underneath her mountain hat, framing her soft milky-white face – A face that time and sun had very little power over. Her deliberate stride revealed hand-sewn moccasins underneath her long flowing hippie skirt. Obruni, meaning white-face in Twi, the native language of Ghana, became a term of endearment she adopted while in the Peace Corps.

Together, in that diner, they appeared as two halves of the same unique being when I met them in 1977. The depth of their wisdom, shrouded in genuine humility, sank beneath my awareness like a stone.

“We’ve been waiting for you.” her voice resonating a gentle strength.

“Yes… All day it appears.” Laughingly looking out the window bringing my attention to the shadow of the setting sun.

My inner dialog began… “Wow! That was fast. Should I tell them? If I do, they gonna think I’m crazy! Nobody believes me.” I took pause.

“We both had vivid dreams last night and a strong intuition guided us here this morning. We’ve been waiting in the… Hmm…” head tilting, eyebrows raising, slowly grinning and turning to Obruni…

“Mystery solved!” His great sense of humor, masterfully delivered with facial expressions, let me know exactly what they were thinking.

Hesitant to share what I’ve been doing hitch-hiking around the country fearing their reaction, I let go…

“I have something to tell you.” becoming deliberate.

“I’ve hitched over 30,000 miles over the past few years with the purpose of developing my ability to manifest what I imagined. It seems that once I got on the road, my being would become free from the world’s grip as I become aware of an increasing internal power to manifest.”

“They varied; A direct ride from one city to the next… Type of vehicle, a car or truck… Spiritual conversation… Man or woman driver… Buy me lunch (Laughingly spoken)… Each ride became it’s own creation in rudimentary physical forms but what became most precious…

“Go on.” she encouraged as my eyes portrayed deep emotion.

“What became most precious was how I saw myself evolving, changing with each ride because I was one hundred percent present. This sparked the desire to focus on rides with a greater quality of connection and my awareness organically shifted. Finding myself being able to feel people’s inmost emotions, I began watching them resolve emotional pains and gain the inspiration toward a loving path before the ride was complete.”

“The accuracy of my intentions began surpassing my own mental believability, but I continued.”

“How far can this go?” So, I intended to manifest what I considered to be an impossible consortium of attributes to combine in a single intention.”

Sure enough, my exact intentions showed up in the next ride.

“For a moment, I felt the purity of the energy of creation. Then, I felt the impurity of my own human desires wanting to use to towards its own end. It scared me.”

That was the last time I intended until leaving Quebec three days ago, when I desired a mentor to help me return to the light I experienced when I was eleven.”

After a calm peaceful silence… “And there it is!” he said. I loved how Herschal smiled, as if he just humbly ate the cat of cosmic knowledge.

She turned to him and smiled. “Herschal has been intending to meet someone he could mentor. And so here we are.” smiling with joy.

Reaching across the table, her hand gently covered mine then Herscal’s hand covered hers. Our eyes locked and our hearts merged.

“Beep… Beep. Beep!” pulled our attention outside to a 50’s red truck. The man driving smiled in unison with the woman cuddled next to him.

“Hmm… Look at that… What timing… There’s our ride. You’re coming, right?” And off we went, like three old friends.

“Bob… You still with us?” waking me from my memory.

“Sorry, I was remembering when we first met. I guess it’s been a year now.”

Obruni walks over, embraces me then slowly caresses my eyes shut.

“Ask yourself what hurts. You have the answer in you.”

It took two weeks for the buzzing in my ears to subside after entering the silence of the canyon. A bit longer for the chatter in my head to diminish. But that question caused my mind to race. I couldn’t focus. I felt my eyelids flittering. Confusion set in. Emotions were welling up inside as I tried choking back the tears.

Seeing my reaction, Herschal rushed over, leaning me backwards off the log into his supporting arms. Obruni placed her left hand on my heart while cradling the back of my neck. Opening my eyes, I witnessed the expanse of the Milky Way and the awareness that in this exact moment, everything was perfectly in its place within an evolving universe. Time slowed and became undetectable. A second was also an eternity. And within that moment, the idea that anything should be other than what it is became a fallacy, the delusion of human desire projecting itself into the future and collapsing the present.

My consciousness lifted up, observing the emergence of a shadow hidden from within the recesses of my mind, bringing emotional pain.

“I don’t remember my dad saying he loved me after I turned eleven. I don’t know what I did, but he just stopped saying it.”

Clarity rushed in, focusing my mind into an epiphany of self-discovery. I saw it as clear as day, just like a movie. It was true that my dad did stop telling me he loved me, but it was not the actual source of my pain, that was just the story about my pain.

The source was my perceived absence of unconditional love within me.

I could not feel the energy of love within the pain because my story was keeping it out. My limited perception created a story that led to the pain of loss, the loss of love, causing me to recoil as if from a hot flame. I became afraid to feel my pain again, so I unknowingly guarded it.

Fear took on a new meaning… The anticipation of pain.

This defense mechanism, fear, misdirected my focus onto the story instead of the pain itself. Blaming someone outside myself as the source of my pain created a false perception. A thorn in my psyche. I became the deceiver and the one being deceived.

“Did he stop loving you or stop saying it?”

“I guess he just stopped saying it. I know he loves me.”

Realizing what happened, the joy of relief replaced the pain with a love for my father that lasted a lifetime. I could feel love again.

Limp within their arms, tears of freedom came forth. There were no words, only peace and an energy of love flowing like a fountain from inside me as if I uncovered my own being. So, so sweet. I wanted more.

After some talking, they embraced me and went to bed. Staring into the fire and up at the brilliance of the Milky Way, my awareness of the cosmos expanded and I realized I wasn’t broken, I just needed to be uncovered. I slept, cradled in the cosmic arms of love and peace.

Enjoying the lightness within my being, the bubble of calmness ensued for weeks as time passed without notice.

Igniting a passion for self-discovery, this vision morphed into decades of seeking beyond the thickness of the human veneer. Digging deep, discovering layers of hidden pains and false perceptions, my childhood white-light (near-death-like) experience began recurring every five to seven years with increasing acuity. During these events, the human veil would be lifted, exposing my life-force beyond the human form, existing within the energy flowing from the presence of a divine being.

Coming to know myself as spiritual energy, not just mental processes, I began seeing my pain as energy, instead of just a story. Like a ball of energy encapsulated within a membrane, penetrating my psyche like a thorn, the foreign object was not inherent to my being. It was not me. And inside this ball of energy, the energy of Love was always missing.

A theme emerged – emotional pain is the perceived absence of Love.

The opposite, also being true, gave me a way to heal my pain – Bringing the energy of Divine Love into the pain dissolves it.

Maturing into a repeatable process, this has become a way for me to guide others into healing their own pain.

 

The pain in me honors the pain in you.”